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just another faceless wonderer
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| Bitter Hate/Fate |
[08 Aug 2006|08:27pm] |
laying my inhibitions out onto the floor
trust me, im well aware you dont love me anymore
but this night, this fight
it has to be our last
in order for us to put these hateful words in the past
my feelings are in check
they are fighting with every last breath
my mind knows the way
to pave the road for a happier day
I love you, yes its true even if wrong
but here with me, its just not where you belong
I tried to hold on
with every ounce of me left I fought
but it has only brought both of us pain
utter confusion and distraught
I wish I could change the bitter feelings inside
but it is in my hands in which it lies
I do not want to see you go
but I know you can't stay
if only it could have gone another way
my emotions are far too eratic
one minute I miss you
the next there is just static
and if I could change all of this
I would
believe me, if only I could
I know right now you are filled with bitter hate
but promise me this does not seal our fate
I am sorry, sincerely, for the wrongs I have made
and I bear that cross of you
each and every day
one day I know I will see the brighter light
and one day we will have things other to say than fight
but I have to convice myself the day isn't done
just that my life has really just begun
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| Fuck you |
[13 Jun 2006|09:17pm] |
stupid fucking me
for the second time I believed your lies
I thought I was right this time
but how I was wrong
how you fucking did me wrong
I'm tired of being the whore
you fuck when you're tired and alone
I'm tired of being the innocent
you manipulate and degrade
I'm tired of being the fucking mess
you take
over and over
and over again
Wrap my veins around your sweets fists
feel the blood as it pours
over me
over you
There was nothing you could do
or so you said
Fate played a different way
and I have to learn to live
with the twisted figure you left me with
Your filthy fingers caressing me
that is just another lie too
isn't it?
Fuck you and your fucking hands
that know each and every spot
Fuck you and your fucking lines
I fall for them every time
So am I the stupid bitch
or are you the fucking asshole?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR DIRTY LIES
I WONT LAY DOWN AND TAKE THEM THIS TIME
this time.
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| Truth |
[09 May 2006|08:43pm] |
stuck here in this place
of greys and blues
as simple as letting go
as simple as not loving you
but its a task i cannot seem to master
a task that i cannot seem to wade through
the thought of me watching him
while he is watching you
never thought this kind of girl
was festering inside of me
the kind that fights with herself
on whats better to do
than reacting the way she doesn't even think of
reacting with the truth
sometimes i question myself
which i never used to do
i always poured my heart out
its who i am
through and through
but now i sit here unsure of what to do
knowing that what i want is right here
but so far away from me
so lost in you
i wonder if it will ever resolve
if i will ever know the way
back to your heart
back to where i feel safe
you cant always fight for what you want
as fighting just pushes it away
its much easier to deny it
when its not staring you in the face
and i wonder if i'll even make it some days
without the love i once knew
but he will never know this
he never wants to see the truth
its easier to believe that what i have gone through
is done
is gone
is faded like an outplayed song
but its never gone
even if hides away
because the thoughts are always there
at the end of each of my days
the sad fact remains
that you will never quite get through
you fell out of love with me
bet i never fell out of love with you
but you will never see me
you choose not to
because you can't handle the reality of me
or my truth
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| One Night Stand |
[04 Mar 2006|10:49am] |
i keep showering but the filth won't leave
driven by a force much stronger than you or me
hate, revenge, guilt, pain
shame
for the things I have done
the breeze keeps bringing your scent
offending my senses
and making my stomach turn
how could i have been so blinded?
green eyes
red hands
black heart
turn to stone by the one who owns
me
perfume can't mask this odor
it reeks of your sweat
and my guilty crime
i feel dirty
i feel sick
i feel nauseous
at the thought of your dick
penetrating me
tainting me
disgusting me
but i let it control me
i gave in
when i thought i was standing a fighting chance
i was killing the ones on my side of the fence
my own voice
my own defense
so i'll take another shower
and wash this mistake off my skin
and finally learn
to never make it again
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| You |
[19 Feb 2006|09:23am] |
how can you be so nonchalant?
not even turn your head at my pain
my eyes are green and my hands are red
staining lyrics on the wall
for you
callous, as always
you walk by and comment about the mess I made
never to really see the beauty
that I have shown
to you
I laid my everything out onto the floor
worshipped at your feet
and you wanted more
I would never be enough
to please the man who
wears the masks but calls everybodys bluff
that's the one thing I never understood
about you
undefined lines crossed with spite
hateful words spill from our mouths
engaging our instinct to fight
rather than fight to survive
we tear each other down in hopes
one of us will inevitably thrive
but strength will always be the one thing I took
from you
learned my lesson in love
is not to get burned
its to out run the person
who may be trying to pass you
but this is something that I never wanted to learn
the harsh reality makes my heart ache
and my stomach turn
its something that I never wanted to do
learn how to get over it
forget you
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| black and white |
[14 Feb 2006|09:22pm] |
And if I could express my pain on canvas
it would be covered in red with burned edges
explaining the way I feel disreguarded
by you
How can you not be hurting?
Why am I the only one crying?
Can't you see? Don't you care?
But you do.
And it is why you are doing this to me
Sometimes the hardest lessons to learn
are the most valuable
I just can't understand
"Misery loves company"
at first offensive
but I know its true
I just want to be here with you
Instead you just go
and it's the best thing, I know
but I just can't shake this feeling
that my heart is bleeding
and I want you to fix it
like you always used to
but that's what made us this way
once a beatiful work of art
now a lifeless lump of clay
how can you mold something you've never seen?
how can you be something you don't know how to be?
I wish things were as easy as they used to be
when I loved you
and
you still loved me
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| Wishful Thinking |
[07 Oct 2005|01:24pm] |
Have you ever wanted to curl up into a ball of nothingness?
To pull the covers up over you head and say
'no one's home'?
Just to be alone?
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| Misguided Rage |
[04 Oct 2005|07:59pm] |
Misunderstood the words being spoken
this heart of mine hangs on threads
threatened to be broken
Your cold shoulder is my demise
you lack of words plauges
my insecure mind
Fallen into this trap with no real way out
find myself now overcome with doubt
Misdirection to the wrong overpass
sink to the ground in tears
recognizing and feeding my fears
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| The Demons You Choose |
[28 Jan 2005|04:07pm] |
A black bird flew through the sky today
around in circles-- soaring over me
he landed on my shoulder and told me
"old demons never go away"
as he went to take off-- he left a deep gash
which later turned into a deep scar
left there to forever remind me
that your demons are never far
they sit on your shoulder mocking you
provoking the pain...
for a moment or two they may disappear
and pretend to go away
only when you look up
do you see them falling down
slow enough to land on your shoulder
but fast enough to pull you down
heavy burdens are like shackles around the heart
they prevent you to fully trust and fully love
they prevent you from being who you are supposed to be...
they keep you from stitching up
the same question after many moons still remains
how does one rid themselves of all their past pain?
is it one moment of realization? one moment of letting it go?
or is it a life time of suffering and unhappiness
until your exhaustion gives hold
is there a path I can choose over this slow torture?
a map set in front of me in which I can pick the destiny?
will I always feel to be the inferior?
the one who was second best
the one who was there to sweep the pieces
but not the one that put them there?
I need some sort of reason
for this havoc I cause upon myself
something to explain what is unexplainable
something to stop this preparing for the loss
the black bird streaks across the grey sky
and stops just before the moon
a small feather falls from him
and lands in my hands
as he says to me
"you have the power to choose"
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| Mistaken Identity -- Who I Was |
[26 Jan 2005|05:18pm] |
got lost within you
how time got wrapped around you
and stood still
didn't realize this whole time
I was who I wasn't
and then the band stopped
and I fell
and I'm sorry I don't remember me
or my identity before
I don't remember taking this path
when I said I never would
but here I stand
gun in my hand
holding at hostage
our happiness
and my thoughts
how they all went away
the day I fell in you
the day I said goodbye to me
and suddenly became this extension of you
do they have a way to detoxify a person so in love?
How can I find who I was
if it's not the person I've become?
I can draw two stick figures
standing so far apart a thousand times
but some how, some way
I scratch the pencil across the paper
and there is a line
that goes straight from your heart
right into mine
and I wonder who am I now?
after all is said and done
is the person you once fell for
still within me
or has she gone on a permanent vacation
where all the other lost female souls go
the ones who lose their identity
the ones that fall a little too hard
the ones that want to be who they were
but don't know how to dig that far
and I say, I promise to try to find me
the person you couldn't look away from
the person who told you to shut the fuck up
whenever you bitched at me for holding open your door
I know that I am here
though it's dark, cold, and I'm scared
but I said I would love you through thick and thin
and I meant it
and this time I won't surrender
to the ghosts that haunt my mind
who say you can't be good enough
who say just smile and nod
who tell me to stay away from the world
because I can't contribute a thing
who tell me all these lies and thoughts
because deep down, I'm scared of falling
but I fell, only in another way
and my wall blocking them out came down
I let you in and they came back
and I thought it all would balance out
I will start with one brick
one hope, one promise for our love
and rebuild that wall the way it was before you
and build it higher with your support
and I didn't mean to lose myself inside of you
and forget who I was
but I know I still exist inside here
so please, don't give up
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[11 Jan 2005|02:41pm] |
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Your lies make me sneeze
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| A Song of Sorrow for the Caged Bird |
[07 Nov 2004|10:57am] |
The shackles around my ankles felt so natural
I didn't even notice them
Forgive me for not seeing they were there
or if I placed them onto yours
The warmth of your body next to mine
as I slip off into oblivion
was so strong and so comfortable
that I didn't even notice you...
struggling to get to sleep
I apologize for not seeing your face
through my own reflection
I would break if this ever fell
and a part of me would never smile
if this went away
I will try to do it the right way
if I can only figure out what that is
The independence you once saw is still here
just buried under a few layers of love
and confusion
I'm sorry if I'm different
than the person you fell in love with
but I hope you can fall in love
with this person too
She loves you
and misses you when you are not around
but would never hold you down
as ravens have always been meant to fly
so take this as my apology
my sincere attempt
to love you as much as I can
without clipping your wings in the process
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| Some Scribbles From "The" Journal |
[04 Nov 2004|11:00am] |
"I miss the way she held me... her embrace. I hold her Care Bear at night now instead. Maybe this means nothing, maybe it's just love... and I'm drowning in it."
Without You
3-9-03
now that you're gone
I can't breathe without you
now that you're here
I can't live without you
a first gentle touch
and I can't feel without you
a last parting look
and I can't see without you
and it used to be so easy
and I used to be so free
now I'm bound to you
and I don't want it to just be me
one tender night
and I can't sleep without you
another phone call unanswered
and I can't talk without you
another letter unread
and I can't write to another
another thought of you
and now I can't stop thinking of you
and I know I could break loose
I know I could stop this addiction
but I never want to
without you
without you
I'll be through
without you
I need you
please look at what you took
now that you're gone
I don't know what to do
what can I do, without you
"I say 'just love me' but I lie, for I am selfish... and I need your love in return"
Just Let it Go
3-13-03
just let it go
easier said than done
the harder I push-- the more they run
the more I want them to listen
the less they hear
the more I mean something
the more they fear
the less I talk
oh, how they love me more
the more I feel
the closer they walk to the door
just let it go
I wish I could follow that line
I can't let it go
you are always on my mind
3-17-03
you act so jealous... be jealous when I talk of others. I feel your love no other way. You don't show it in notes, in tones, or your casual goodbyes. So show me you love me through your anger... that way I'll talk to others everyday. That way I can control your love... it will never go away.
I'm sending you my heart. I rebuilt the pieces with my hands. Just so I could mail them to you and hope you'd understand. You don't have to reciprocate the package just yet, whenever you're ready to. Just don't throw it away, I constructed it just for you. It's a temple of my love, made from my tears, joy, and water based paints.
Please don't forget I'm here or leave that package by the door. Will you sign for it? Open it? Keep it? Put it at your bedside at night?
Just hold me.
Need me.
If you can't do that, your jealousy will be enough.
Be possessive.
I'm yours... even if you're not mine.
"I even ate for her..."
"I carved an 'E' into my thigh so I can physically see the emotionally blind scar she has left on my heart."
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| Neurosis |
[23 Oct 2004|12:47pm] |
sometimes i get in a little too deep
and sometimes i fall a little too quietly
and oh if only you could see
if only you could see
the way you're hurting me
sometimes i shout a little low
and sometimes i say yes when i mean no
and if only you could see
if only you could see
what you're doing to me
i know i seem a little worried
and a little shy
the truth is, i'm scared
and i can't quite explain why
i'm sorry you can't hear me
i'm sorry you can't feel me
and if only you could see
if only you could see
the way i love you
is not the way you love me
sometimes i cry instead of talking
and sometimes i hide instead of crying
there's no way to tell
i hate that i fell
in so deeply
the one who loves least
has all of the power
and can't you see?
can't you see?
the way i love you
is not the way you love me
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| Fate |
[20 Oct 2004|03:40pm] |
i want to hold you right now
more than I can explain
i wish there was an easy way
to put into words how much once embrace can mean
falling to the earth
feathers scattered around me
torn from my broken wings
is this where I put myself?
I suppose we all control our own fate
I threw myself to this ground
I asked for this bitter blood dripping into my mouth
I anticipated these tears staining my dusty face
I asked for all this
if we choose our own fate
this time I can't get back up and dust myself off
my legs are broken just as my heart seems to be
my arms can't move,
they are weighed down by my wings
oh what distasteful irony plagues me
did I ask for this?
my body slowly expanding with red
did I want it to end this way?
was this the fate I chose?
broken, battered, and beaten
on the inside just as well as out
metaphorical trips were never really my forte
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| This Makes No Sense |
[20 Oct 2004|03:39pm] |
Drowning into the thoughts
that are not of you and not of I
but of loves before me
I let myself get lost in their heavy bite
and their shimmering charm
I can't help but look at them
and I can't quite explain why
it's sick the way we twist our own knives
into our bleeding hearts repeatedly
only to look stunned at the ruby puddle beneath our feet
strange infatuation with the past
dancing with it's dead body hanging from my limbs
it makes no sense
am I trying to find a justification for my happiness?
or some sort of reassurance that is right in front of my face?
it makes no sense at all
wishing I could cleanse these thoughts in my mind
detox
go away
maybe it's an unconscious fear to avoid disaster
look at the past accidents and take an alternative route
I know it can't be as simple as that
I feel numb
I feel lost
I feel slow
slowly dying
softly crying
it makes no sense
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| The Whore Whom I Adore |
[16 Oct 2004|06:05pm] |
And no I can't find the time to abide you
nor find the means to abhor you
instead I sit here wishing
I had the space in me to adore you
I find the time to make stupid rhymes
about how I cannot feel you
when I could be making use of my time
in looking for ways to love you
you always said I was lazy
once upon a time
I dreamed a dream that was mine
you came along, on your horse--so strong
the knight who rescued me from the flames
only I was perfectly content
sitting in my castle wistfully sighing
about how my prince would never come
you rode in on your too big ride
and flashed a smile that made cupids cry
and off you tried to run with my heart
gracefully trying to tear it apart
I just rolled my eyes at your display
your dimpled cheeks
and grains of wheat hair
had no measurement of how much you'd really care
and I knew you wouldn't
you always said my assumtions killed
...killed you
I disregarded your sorry lines
your stupid misguided directions
and your polite declines
to leave me alone and go back home
back where you came from
that great plastic castle
where barbie was your first whore
and she will be your last
you could never fit a heart
inside of her 20 inch chest
and that 15 inch waist
she's perfect for you
just your type
you always said I was beautiful
Looking back up at the sky
with my cigarette in one hand
wiping the tears from my eyes
as much as I wanted you to leave
I couldn't imagine you gone
isn't that how you programed me?
Mr. Womanizing Asshole, Liar, Cheat-- Whore
you always said it was you who I adored
who would have known we were both wrong?
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| One Word Short |
[22 Sep 2004|05:38pm] |
I can't shake the whispers lingering in my ears
the soft tones of misunderstandings
a few words slipped
a meaning much too wrong
the smell of her haunts me
he once told me
I smoothed his hair
and hushed him to sleep
for now
I spoke to him
there is no time to weep
I closed my eyes and tried to disregard
the sounds of insecurity
and the low hums of my breaking heart
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| Grey |
[22 Sep 2004|09:39am] |
I can't shake this feeling.
It's shackled to my ankles.
Dragging behind me... chains hitting together to remind me of the shame.
When you don't hold me, I feel alone.
When you don't call me, I wait by the phone.
The grinding chains echo in my hollow world.
Love me.
Love me.
Leave me alone.
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| Jupiter Meets the Sun |
[14 Sep 2004|10:28pm] |
and I wonder
am I good enough for you?
can I hold your hand
and understand
all that you've been through?
let me be the one constant
always at your side
forever feeling the moving
as worlds and planets collide
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